Reflections on myself

I normally am not a fan of sappy posts that people post (especially on tumblr), and I’m aware that these kinds of posts often get judged, but here goes nothing.   Take this as my one and only farewell (well at least in words) since I’m leaving for Vegas Friday and won’t see many of you after that.

        I do believe that I have learned more about myself this year than in any other year of my young, seventeen-year-old existence, sitting here and filling up this page with words, reflecting on who I was and who I am meant to be.   In my younger and more naive freshman self, I was more or less your average do-gooder, a grade-A student who could not accept failure of any kind.  And many of you guys can relate to this.  We were freshman and we knew nothing better. But as a senior fresh out of high school, and reflecting on a past that is somewhat disconnected or at least different than who I am now, I’ve had a sort of coming-of-age epiphany, which at first I grappled with, doubted and struggled, but one which I eventually came to accept and even embrace, one wherein I discovered, seventeen years late, that certain things in life matter and others don’t at all. 

                 As a consequence or a blessing, I’ve grown to be a lot more apathetic when it comes to things that don’t matter to me.  I don’t know whether this is a flaw in me or not, nor if I will grow out of this stage of my life or stay this way forever,  but what I do know is that I treasure what I have currently and I wouldn’t give it away for the world. These last few months have rounded my corners and shaped my personality, have, without a doubt, helped define me and prepare me for this vast, unknown, and altogether frightening world that is the future.  For the first time in my life I can tell you that I know who I am, know who I want to be and was meant to be, and if you were to ask me who I am right now, at this very second, I could tell you with confidence that my name is Andrew, and I have never felt a clearer picture of myself than I do now.  I’ve learned the first of many important lessons to come: that the things in life that matter are the things you make matter, the ones you love and cherish, that spark a certain fire and passion within you, the things that only you could ever understand because there is but only one of you. 

          There is something to be said about practicality as far as jobs and money and everything else in this world that we have to worry about go, but presently, I want to tell you that you matter. 

       To my friends:

           You matter because you’ve sat through three sappy paragraphs reading the shit that comes out of my mouth when I’m in a nostalgic and somewhat sad mood.  You matter because you’ve been there for me at one point or another when I rant, obsess, laugh, tear up, or just talk to you.  You matter because this summer has meant the world for me.  I know I may come across as a hard-shelled and unapproachable person sometimes, a “slytherin” as I have heard myself referred to, but in the end, know that you can always talk to me and that if you really, really need me and I’m being unapproachable, just tell me.  Honestly.  Know that I’ll miss you deeply, more than I can express in words or actions, and it would mean the world to me if you chatted with me sometime (skype, aim, fb) just randomly, just because you want to.  Don’t be afraid of awkwardness or anything like that. 

       To my family:

           I’m sorry that I’m like this.  That I’m not the best child in the world.  It may seem like it on the surface, to all of you guys reading this, but I really am not.  I’m sorry that I’m lazy and don’t do chores and don’t listen to you.  I hope that absence really makes the heart grow fonder.  I want to know you more personally, I want to talk to you, and relate to you for once in my life.  I’m working on it though.

        To you:

           Wow.  I’m so glad I met you this year.  You’ve made me smile and you’ve contributed so much to the great summer that I’m having.  I really can’t convey emotion in what I say or do, but I’ll miss you dearly.  You’ve always been there for me.  You’re thoughtful, weird, nice, surprising, funny and everything in between, and I’m sorry I couldn’t spend more time with you, or be the best that I possibly could.  I tried though, and never think that I’ll “forget” about you in college because I won’t.

         Sorry for such a long post, and judge me if you want to, but I hope that you guys know that this was heartfelt, genuine, and probably the most expressive I could possibly be in words. I’ll miss you all.  Farewell, or see you later?  I’m really hoping it’s the latter.